Soldier Vigil
by xxsewnlipsxx
Summary: Kaidan finds Shepard's helmet among the wreckage and realizes the implications. F!Shepard/Kaidan


Soldier Vigil

Kaidan was the one who found her helmet lying sideways in the dusty wreckage of the exploded transport beam in the middle of London. The dark grey mesh was smeared with blood—not hers, too dark, too much, and he knew that she'd made it to the beam—and dented slightly on the back. Beside it was a small fire still burning, casting the object in an orange hue. They'd been sweeping the area for signs of her body. Signs of anyone still alive, really, but Kaidan had only been focused on finding her. Anything. Some part of her.

He hesitated to pick it up, because it seemed like a memorial, a gravesite. Then he told himself he was being silly, ignored the painful grinding in his gut, and gently lifted the helmet off the ground, turning it over to paw the ashes from the surface, to see the N7 logo glaring back at him from the cracked casing that gave too easily under his fingertips.

Every memory he'd ever had of her seemed to flash in that moment, holding the only piece of her he'd been able to find in two days of searching. He saw her standing behind the pilot's chair, strong and confident even in her first assignment, flirting with him at his station while he struggled for words, her careful words when she chose him over Ash on Vermire, pulling a gun on Saren to keep him away from Kaidan.

She was talking to him in low tones in her captain's quarters then disappearing in an explosion aboard the _Normandy_ in the dead of space while he stared desperately out of the window of an escape pod. She was listening to him rage on Horizon with a resigned patience. She was standing trial for war crimes, calm and righteous, then greeting him coldly as a major with Anderson at her side. She was saving his life, visiting him in the hospital every chance she got, growing thinner and paler and more haggard every time. She was smiling demurely and drinking Batarian shard wine on the Citadel with him, holding his hand. She was sitting down with him after nearly an eternity of preparation and then losing herself in his kisses.

He swallowed hard. She was carrying him toward the _Normandy_ for an emergency evacuation, careful of his broken bones and bruised face. She was saying she loved him and then running toward the beam again in a last ditch effort to _save them all_. She was gone.

And Kaidan felt it in every inch of his bones, every last muscle and tendon. Shepard was gone forever. They hadn't found her, because they weren't going to. She'd lost her life at last fighting the Reapers. No one was going to bring her back this time. There wasn't anything to save. Vaporized. Destroyed. Gone, like most of the city.

And half his heart with her.

He couldn't stand anymore and fell to his knees, feeling the weakness he'd only ever heard about and never experienced. The ashes rose up around him like a thick cloud, disturbed and unhappy about it. He held the helmet between his palms, resting it on his knees, staring into the bullet-proof plexi-glass visor as if her beautiful green eyes would be behind it if he searched hard enough. Inside he could see only the reflection of the flames around him that had yet to be extinguished and the rising smoke against the ruined buildings, the vast blue sky obscured by falling ashes.

"_I love you_," she'd said.

He felt his eyes burning, and it had nothing to do with the dangerous fumes and soot.

A soft blue hand covered the back of his left one, and he startled slightly. Liara's face was but an inch from his, her cheek nearly brushing his mask, but she was staring at the helmet, having her own revelation about what it meant. He could feel the heat from the helmet through his gloves suddenly and saw Liara's shoulders quake in his peripheral vision. She let out only one choking sob into his shoulder before he wrapped his arm around her waist and pulled her close, keeping his eyes and a firm hold on Shepard's armor, giving comfort but not watching her grieve.

Slowly the others who were searching the ruins filtered in. Garrus' talons clinked gently against the hollow helmet, and he closed his eyes as if enduring a great pain. Tali crumpled much as Kaidan had, sinking to her knees across from him and tentatively brushing the helmet with her gloved fingertips. EDI graciously helped Joker to kneel down and press the flat of his palm across the top, burying her nose into his neck in a gesture that was so human it hurt Kaidan's heart to see. They stayed silent, as if having a vigil for the fallen.

Miranda appeared in her silky white along with Wrex who hulked respectfully in the background. Jack turned her back angrily and hunched her shoulders away from them. Samara placed a hand on Cortez's shoulder as he cried, and Vega whispered, "Lola," like an oath and a prayer before joining them.

For what seemed forever they stayed, reflecting on what they had lost, the true cost of the war too phenomenal to comprehend. And Kaidan, even though she had loved him, did not feel that a majority of the grief was his to have. She had loved them all. They had loved her. She was their commander, their savior in a thousand little ways.

And she was gone.

* * *

**Getting a tattoo as a memorial to my lost Shepard. Best game trilogy I've ever played. Thanks for reading. Review please.**


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